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Reciprocated Feels

I've found myself, more times than not, in my feelings ... either alone or deeper than my supposed other-half. Other half doesn't necessarily mean, partner ... but rather the other half of the "ship", whether it be a friendship or relationship.  

Growing up, even now, people always question my emotions. There's always this mystery on where they come from, what they're motivated by and the most popular, the question of why they're so strong. I've never had or felt like I need more of an explanation besides the simple fact, it's who I am. Who I've always been. I remember my mother asking me when I was young, "why are you SO upset?!" That would make it even worst. Not much has changed.

When I'm mad, I'm irate. When I'm sad, I'm depressed. When I'm happy, I'm ecstatic. In any direction, it doesn't take much. There's not many that understand me and how I feel. Many claim to understand or commit themselves to learning, but it more commonly becomes too much for one individual. The toll of feeling my feels, lol, it becomes overwhelming and the intrinsic incentive is lacking for most.  

Knowing this, I've created a habit of letting going and turning down, if not off, when I feel like my feels can't be understood, appreciated and/or reciprocated. I use and lose so much energy on emotions, that I can't afford for it to be an on going outpour with no pour in. I have children that need, deserve and must have what I have. I can't afford to simply waste it on situations that either don't or won't spend the same on me. 

It's frustrating to feel so hard. No one seems to understand it. Even in times of explanation, I'm misunderstood. Feelings get hurt in the process of explaining mine, all the while creating feelings of antagonism. Pressures to intensify my opacity. As a result weaken my transparency in attempts to promote security and safety for the other side. That's offensive in itself. What about my security and safety? It's a non issue. But it's definitely not, though. 

I believe in transparency, but it's very rare that I receive it in the same manner, without stipulations ... without excuses. Without the reasons of why it can't be equal. 

I've also experienced having the motivation behind my feels questioned. That's amusing to me. To think that others believe I need them, want them ... or have to have them ... or anything connected to them for that matter. Companions are nice to have but they certainly aren't necessary. I've created a tribe from my blood that serves as my only necessary. 

Everyday I'm motivated by my blood ... what has come from it and what's to come of it  ... period.  

I digress. 


(Excuse the typos - writing from my phone)

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